I’m Sorry, for Being a Disappointment (✿˵•́ ‸ •̀˵)

i-hope-you-dont-think

I’m sorry, especially if this is the first post of mine you’re reading

I am stupid

I cannot live up to your expectations

I am not good enough

How?

How does one present without getting nervous?

How does one who makes up a full fucking (excuse my profanity, I probably will swear a lot on this blog. Be aware) presentation 30 minutes before and “wing it”, on the spot?

How does he do it?!

How can I be like that?

How can I improve?

I’m jealous, these people are so great at saying what they mean. They are able to make sense of their topic no matter how unprepared they are. Yet one who has a whole twenty lines memorized 100 times back and forth forgets it, in mere seconds? All of it. I hate it. I jumble up my words, get lost and I am unable to figure out the rest of it. The worst part is that I actually believed I was prepared. I put down the least amount of words on my “notes”. And end up reading it (the minimal words) as my presentation. I feel like a disappointment. “Oh yea she’ll definitely do well”, then I mess up. Humans are unfathomable. My mind is unfathomable.

This one girl even had the nerve to tell our religion teacher just how much I messed up on the previous presentation. She wasn’t asking her, why did she bring up mine! I’m so scared. I don’t want to mess up. Yet I already have, so many times! It’s funny isn’t it? The more you care the more hurt you feel when you fail. Yet the less you care, the more content you are with a bad mark! Why is it that way? Why can’t I put in lots of effort and be happy with the mark I am destined to receive, when it’s less than 85.

Why do I feel that I try hard yet afterward a wave of regret, for not trying hard enough passes over me? I will answer myself, give an easy solution to myself. Try to make an excuse, try to accept it, just like I always do. The solution to why this happened is because I didn’t try hard enough even if that was my best. I should have called in sick. Why work for 22 hours on the weekend if in turn you start to fail a course. I still want to work though. Stay committed and finish strong right?

When I was younger I  used to play chess. Defeating those who did not train hard enough. I gave up after I placed in 3rd. The same thing happened for basketball, in grade six I finally got to be the captain for a few games, I was even invited to join some minor league teams. Once again, I gave it up. This happened for a few more sports and clubs, including swimming, soccer, softball and martial arts. It’s not like I was ever the worst person in my activities, I was just never the best. I want to grow out of that habit- leaving after I lose. I also want to stop being wide eyed. I want to push past my anxieties and fears that stand in the way.

However, working your hardest simply to have your heart broken in the end also happens. Some people work so hard only to come crashing down, one mistake, one injury and your behind all over again. You have to start back from the beginning. Working hard is all you need to do? It is not true, others that get bad grades because they don’t work hard is a lie to some extent. Some people try their hardest yet people with talent can easily accomplish the same feats with little to no effort. For some areas of life trying a bit harder than everyone will not make you better. To become better you have to be able to push past any to all limitations that stand in your way. Many are unable to do so. Many in this case meaning me. I am not good enough.

I’m supposed to feel like “oh fuck I didn’t do well, next time I’ll get it ” right? Yet I said that last time. I feel like I’m getting worse. Presentations literally bring me to tears. Voicing my opinions makes me feel hated. Caring about what I believe in makes me feel like a hypocrite. And trying my hardest feels like a waste of time. I’ve already invested so much time into everything. I cannot afford to just give up. I don’t want to… But I do,n I yearn to just stop, everything.

I’m sorry… Why am I apologizing. This isn’t even the first time it happened. My apologies are so meaningless. So empty. Who am I even apologizing to? Myself? My peers? The poor teachers who have to read and watch my terrible work? Ahhhhhhhhhh, I’m sorry to the reader who read this all the way to the end. Goodnight, not that I’m going to sleep now (it is 10 pm). I have another 4 hours of lying restless in bed. (ʘᗩʘ’)/

Trying Hard, Climbing Up

climbing crI know no ones reading this but…  this is me, I’m attempting a V5. Which in rock climbing isn’t really good, but not too bad. It’s funny some children are climbing grades many adults will never achieve V14’s. I’ve only been climbing for  two years, yes it sounds like a lot but it really isn’t. I’ll say my birthday is the two year anniversary of when I first started climbing…((see first post)). My mother got me into climbing. She has been climbing for around eight years, yet I have already surpassed her climbing grade. It may be due to the fact I am about four inches taller but… Who knows. Honestly, if I had more of a drive when I was younger I would probably  be one of the top in my age category. But then again maybe I wouldn’t have been.  Maybe I should give a little description of what type of climbing I am doing. Here, I am doing a type of climbing called bouldering. It’s a type of climbing where you aren’t suspended by a rope or being pulled up by someone else. Bouldering is something… different, your free to finish the problem with any beta you can find. Even if the holds hurt, or the moves are sketchy you need to push yourself to get to the top. I love climbing and I try to work hard for it. I want to be able my climbing has amount to something someday, somehow. Although, no matter how hard I try there’s someone trying harder. I always feel inferior. In this picture I am barely holding on. I am trying, yet slipping. I did not finish the problem. I need to keep reminding myself that strength is progressive.

Oh and as I said before I have given up meat. It feels nice. It’s a weird nice though. Like a unrealized weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I still get drawn in to the smell of meat but… vegetables are amazing and bread, and all food for that matter. I actually started to use protein shakes. I drank my first one on January 9th 2016. Below is a picture of random free around the house protein shakes I am trying to drink daily.

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On a semi-unrelated topic exams are a week away. I’m stressed. I guess I can compare my climbing to school, I am trying very hard in school. Although to my dismay, like my climbing, I seem to be falling, failing, not finishing. I feel like I’ll never amount to anything. But I can’t help but keep climbing. I would continue this post but… its not good to dwell in self loathing. Also CPT’s are real. I’m going to try to end this on a nice note with a little quote from one of my world class climbing coaches “Confidence- just do whatever you do to the best of your abilities.”- Kerry

P.s photo creds to Paige who will probably never see this.

Animoo and Mangos

Okay, so under these next few sentences will be my anime list. The last anime series I completed was watched on December 25 2015. Although I have also been keeping up with many different mangas’ including Blood Lad, Food Wars, Seven Deadly Sins and ((since grade 7))Fairy Tail. Laxus is fav<3

Katekyo hitman reborn, This is my first and all time favorite anime!

Kimi ni todoke

Ouran high school host club

Futakoi

Fullmetal alchemist

Fullmetal alchemist brotherhood

Fullmetal alchemist : brotherhood 4-koma theater

Cardcaptor Sakura

Chobits

Kanokon

Clannad

Clannad after story

Anohana ((╥_╥))

Lucky star

The melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

^Haruhi-chan suzumiya

K-On

K-On s2

Dragon ball

Dragon drive

Fruits basket

School rumble

Acchi kocchi

Elektel Delusion

Gto/great teacher onizuka

Omamori  Himamori

Fairy tail

Daily lives of high school boys

Chu-bra

Jugyo chu

Sugar sugar rune

Angel beats

Sword art online (SAO)

Sword art online season 2 (SAO2)

Durarara

Death note

Toriko

Another

Btooom

future diary aka mirai Nikki

Free! Iwatobi swim club

Grave of the fireflies

Kamisama no Inai Nichiyoubi aka Sunday without god

Guilty crown

Sakurasou no pet na kanojo

Robotics;notes

Steins gate

Ichiban ushiro no daimaou

boku wa tomodachi ga sukunai

boku wa tomodachi ga sukunai next

^( maybe season 3)

Air master

Kenichi/ Kenichi manga 500+ chpt.

^Shijō Saikyō no Deshi Kenichi

Pandora hearts

Toradora

Ookami-san to Shichinin no Nakamatachi

Machine-Doll wa Kizutsukanai

Silver spoon/ Gin no Saji

Rwby

kyoukai no kanata aka Beyond the boundary

kyoukai no kanata idol saiban mayoi nagara mo kimi wo sabaku tami

Saint young men

Saint young men movie

Ladies verses butlers

Ikkitousen

Ben-To

Senran Kagura

baka to test to shoukanjuu

^baka to test to shoukanjuu ni!

sekai de ichiban tsuyoku naritai

Girl got game

Magi the labyrinth of magic

Magi the kingdom of magic

Deadmans wonderland

Non non biyori

Seitokai yakuindomo

Seitokai yakuindomo 2

Shingeki no kyojin

Kill la kill

Kuroko no Basket 1

Yowamushi pedal

Yowamushi pedal: grande road

koe de oshigoto

Free soul

High school of the dead

Under grand hotel

Flower of evil

Turning point

Seikon no Qwaser

Mahou shoujo madoka magica

^Mahou shoujo madoka magica #1

^Mahou shoujo madoka magica #2

^Mahou shoujo madoka magica #3

LOK SEASON 1

LOK SEASON 2

LOK SEASON 3

LOK SEASON 4!!! Finish all avatar (oT-T)尸

Air gear

Tamako’s market

Tiger and bunny

Blue exorcist

No game no life

Mekakucity Actors 🙂

Mondaiji-tachi ga Isekai kara Kuru Sou Desu yo?

Black bullet

Amnesia

Eden of the east

^ Eden of the east movie 1

^ Eden of the east movie 2

Gokusen

Yowamushi pedal s 1

Yowamushi pedal s 2

Noragami

Hellsing

Hellsing ultimate

Akuma no riddle

Accel world

Chuunibyou Demo Koi Ga Shitai

Chuunibyou Demo Koi Ga Shitai lite

Chuunibyou Demo Koi Ga Shitai ren!

bakemonogatari

Tokyo godfathers-movie

Young justice s1

Young justice s2

Mushishi

Black rock shooter

Knb chpt. 275

Psycho pass

Hataraku maou-sama!

Akame ga kill

Tokyo ghoul + manga

Free eternal summer

Zankyou no terror

Rwby V2

Mahōka Kōkō no Rettōsei

The flower and the star

Isshuukan friends

Akame ga Kill (violent and sad af)

Blood lad

Gugure Kokkuri-san

Yuki yuuna wa yuusha de aru    ^sadder and liked more than madoka

Seirei tsukai no blade dance

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann😭👍

I can’t understand what my husband is saying)

I Couldn’t Become a Hero, So I Reluctantly Decided to Get a Job.)

Wizard Barristers: Benmashi Cecil

Trinity seven

Rainbow Nisha Rokubou no Shichinin

Dangan ronpa

Dennou coil

Baccano

Death Parade

Parasyte

Your lie in April manga/anime

Tokyo magnitude 8.0

Barakamon

Cute High Earth Defense Club

Absolute duo

Rio-Rainbow gate The Money of Soul and Possibility Control

Mitsudomoe

Uchuu kyodai

Owari No Seraph part 1

Ansatsu kyoushitsu

Lonely wolf lonely sheep

Witch craft works

Plastic memories

K.

One outs

Bus gamer

Gantz

nozoki ana

FLCL

Zetsuen No Tempest

Outbreak company

Sakamichi no Apollon

^ova

My youth romantic comedy is wrong as I expected.)

^  OreGairu zoku ((watch for s 3))

Gangsta

Charlotte

Overlord

Aoharu X kikanjuu

Shokugeki no Soma

Ranpo Kitan

Monster Musume no iru Nichijou

Jitsu Wa Watashi Wa

Sabagebu Survival Game Club

One punch man

Himouto! Umaru-chan

Punchline

1st Entry

 

Hello?

     I am warning you, I did not make this blog for many people to see. I’m actually kind of scared so I’m going to show one person, that I guess I kind of trust, that’s all. If you aren’t the person I literally just shoved my laptop onto, you are me or, you are a stranger. If you are a stranger you are welcomed but be aware, I am an extreme newbie, a semi-illiterate and a boring (I will ramble) writer. Continue reading at your own risk. Have fun peering into the jumbled mess of my teenage brain. ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ

          Wow, I feel extremely awkward knowing that someone (possibly a stranger) is reading this. How does one stumble onto a blog post anyhow? So this is my first entry *cue applause* I created this site as a project, a non-formal way of writing. I am about to put a few hours of my life into this post  So that eventually I can proudly say “my first post is a random but good one :)”. I have actually spent more than two hours trying to think of a niche as well as customizing this “website” and I have decided I will write a few posts before choosing to focus on one of my passions. I wonder what this blog will become.

Maybe this blog will turn out to be a diary of the sort (one of those; teenage rant/ release of stress and anxiety/random quote/ awkward self-made poem blogs). Or maybe it will become a fangirl account (I’m going to post up my anime list). This blog might even become a health and fitness kind of thing (rock climbing is definitely a big part of my life right now. Also unrelated I’ve stopped eating meat since December 30th. So… I guess Protein replacements and vegetarian meals are something to talk about). Or maybe I should make this a food blog (it may become a cliché type of boring but so what? Food is always great to talk about. Food is life!). I’m kind of laughing at myself right now, all the possibilities a blog can become, yet I can’t choose right now. What if I never post anything other than this post, my first entry. I will pray to remember this blog and not let it die and become forgotten (like all of my neopets, webkinz and tamagotchis). In the end if I can’t focus on one topic I’ll focus on nothing aka my boring average life.

Hopefully this will be a better diary than what I tried to make my Instagram account. -it now has about 1.5K followers but all of them are ghosts and people I know- I can not post what I want to post on that account. ( I started posting anime and only anime for 3 months, people started asking for “selfies”, like I am ugly so selfies are just ew).  I’m thinking of investing in a camera not one of those crappy digital ones for like 80$, I’m looking at the “Panasonic Lumix DMC-GF5” or just any Canon camera. As long as it’s under 800$ and can take nice pictures. I wish my budget was higher but on my wage it would take me more than four months to save and buy, (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻  It would be cool to have one, I have never owned technology, other than my phone, that can take pictures, this laptop isn’t even mine. I did have one of those old refillable cameras once for the zoo but… with a digital camera I’d take pictures of everything, everywhere. It’d be great.

          I was thinking maybe I should say a little something about myself before I end this post, so that in the future when I read this I’ll know what I think of myself at this age, 15. Another random thought, the name of this blog holds some significance. I was born in the year 2000, the millennials I think it is awesome to be born in 2000, we are not quite “new” or “old”, the #327 is a date as well… 3/27. I don’t know why I included this in this post but it is a stupid ongoing thought. Anyways, right now I am just an average boring teenage girl trying to find a way to occupy herself other than school, work, climbing and anime. At this moment in time I am working at a “restaurant” in a mall. Honestly, working is not something you want to be doing at my age. Low minimum wage, 12 hour shifts along with competitions and other commitments do not help. (¬_¬) but whatever, I chose to work. My mother says I’m a workaholic, I hope this is not true. I just hate being unoccupied, when I am, I’m restless. Speaking of restlessness, Insomnia is also a real first world problem It’s disgusting and it makes you feel like punching holes into the wall every time you want to sleep. The cause of my insomnia? I really wish I knew. I think it might be my struggling to keep my emotions in check or the stress of having to hold back my words to not offend anyone. Stress in my opinion is self-made, yet I cannot seem to destroy it once I’ve created it. This is how everyone feels at this age right, stressed and depressed? Wow, I did not conclude this post well. Let me just congratulate you from not dying of boredom.
Well have a good one fly8x11.jpg I might just make this into a tumblr-esque quotes blog. Meh