I’m Sorry, for Being a Disappointment (✿˵•́ ‸ •̀˵)

i-hope-you-dont-think

I’m sorry, especially if this is the first post of mine you’re reading

I am stupid

I cannot live up to your expectations

I am not good enough

How?

How does one present without getting nervous?

How does one who makes up a full fucking (excuse my profanity, I probably will swear a lot on this blog. Be aware) presentation 30 minutes before and “wing it”, on the spot?

How does he do it?!

How can I be like that?

How can I improve?

I’m jealous, these people are so great at saying what they mean. They are able to make sense of their topic no matter how unprepared they are. Yet one who has a whole twenty lines memorized 100 times back and forth forgets it, in mere seconds? All of it. I hate it. I jumble up my words, get lost and I am unable to figure out the rest of it. The worst part is that I actually believed I was prepared. I put down the least amount of words on my “notes”. And end up reading it (the minimal words) as my presentation. I feel like a disappointment. “Oh yea she’ll definitely do well”, then I mess up. Humans are unfathomable. My mind is unfathomable.

This one girl even had the nerve to tell our religion teacher just how much I messed up on the previous presentation. She wasn’t asking her, why did she bring up mine! I’m so scared. I don’t want to mess up. Yet I already have, so many times! It’s funny isn’t it? The more you care the more hurt you feel when you fail. Yet the less you care, the more content you are with a bad mark! Why is it that way? Why can’t I put in lots of effort and be happy with the mark I am destined to receive, when it’s less than 85.

Why do I feel that I try hard yet afterward a wave of regret, for not trying hard enough passes over me? I will answer myself, give an easy solution to myself. Try to make an excuse, try to accept it, just like I always do. The solution to why this happened is because I didn’t try hard enough even if that was my best. I should have called in sick. Why work for 22 hours on the weekend if in turn you start to fail a course. I still want to work though. Stay committed and finish strong right?

When I was younger I  used to play chess. Defeating those who did not train hard enough. I gave up after I placed in 3rd. The same thing happened for basketball, in grade six I finally got to be the captain for a few games, I was even invited to join some minor league teams. Once again, I gave it up. This happened for a few more sports and clubs, including swimming, soccer, softball and martial arts. It’s not like I was ever the worst person in my activities, I was just never the best. I want to grow out of that habit- leaving after I lose. I also want to stop being wide eyed. I want to push past my anxieties and fears that stand in the way.

However, working your hardest simply to have your heart broken in the end also happens. Some people work so hard only to come crashing down, one mistake, one injury and your behind all over again. You have to start back from the beginning. Working hard is all you need to do? It is not true, others that get bad grades because they don’t work hard is a lie to some extent. Some people try their hardest yet people with talent can easily accomplish the same feats with little to no effort. For some areas of life trying a bit harder than everyone will not make you better. To become better you have to be able to push past any to all limitations that stand in your way. Many are unable to do so. Many in this case meaning me. I am not good enough.

I’m supposed to feel like “oh fuck I didn’t do well, next time I’ll get it ” right? Yet I said that last time. I feel like I’m getting worse. Presentations literally bring me to tears. Voicing my opinions makes me feel hated. Caring about what I believe in makes me feel like a hypocrite. And trying my hardest feels like a waste of time. I’ve already invested so much time into everything. I cannot afford to just give up. I don’t want to… But I do,n I yearn to just stop, everything.

I’m sorry… Why am I apologizing. This isn’t even the first time it happened. My apologies are so meaningless. So empty. Who am I even apologizing to? Myself? My peers? The poor teachers who have to read and watch my terrible work? Ahhhhhhhhhh, I’m sorry to the reader who read this all the way to the end. Goodnight, not that I’m going to sleep now (it is 10 pm). I have another 4 hours of lying restless in bed. (ʘᗩʘ’)/

1st Entry

 

Hello?

     I am warning you, I did not make this blog for many people to see. I’m actually kind of scared so I’m going to show one person, that I guess I kind of trust, that’s all. If you aren’t the person I literally just shoved my laptop onto, you are me or, you are a stranger. If you are a stranger you are welcomed but be aware, I am an extreme newbie, a semi-illiterate and a boring (I will ramble) writer. Continue reading at your own risk. Have fun peering into the jumbled mess of my teenage brain. ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ

          Wow, I feel extremely awkward knowing that someone (possibly a stranger) is reading this. How does one stumble onto a blog post anyhow? So this is my first entry *cue applause* I created this site as a project, a non-formal way of writing. I am about to put a few hours of my life into this post  So that eventually I can proudly say “my first post is a random but good one :)”. I have actually spent more than two hours trying to think of a niche as well as customizing this “website” and I have decided I will write a few posts before choosing to focus on one of my passions. I wonder what this blog will become.

Maybe this blog will turn out to be a diary of the sort (one of those; teenage rant/ release of stress and anxiety/random quote/ awkward self-made poem blogs). Or maybe it will become a fangirl account (I’m going to post up my anime list). This blog might even become a health and fitness kind of thing (rock climbing is definitely a big part of my life right now. Also unrelated I’ve stopped eating meat since December 30th. So… I guess Protein replacements and vegetarian meals are something to talk about). Or maybe I should make this a food blog (it may become a cliché type of boring but so what? Food is always great to talk about. Food is life!). I’m kind of laughing at myself right now, all the possibilities a blog can become, yet I can’t choose right now. What if I never post anything other than this post, my first entry. I will pray to remember this blog and not let it die and become forgotten (like all of my neopets, webkinz and tamagotchis). In the end if I can’t focus on one topic I’ll focus on nothing aka my boring average life.

Hopefully this will be a better diary than what I tried to make my Instagram account. -it now has about 1.5K followers but all of them are ghosts and people I know- I can not post what I want to post on that account. ( I started posting anime and only anime for 3 months, people started asking for “selfies”, like I am ugly so selfies are just ew).  I’m thinking of investing in a camera not one of those crappy digital ones for like 80$, I’m looking at the “Panasonic Lumix DMC-GF5” or just any Canon camera. As long as it’s under 800$ and can take nice pictures. I wish my budget was higher but on my wage it would take me more than four months to save and buy, (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻  It would be cool to have one, I have never owned technology, other than my phone, that can take pictures, this laptop isn’t even mine. I did have one of those old refillable cameras once for the zoo but… with a digital camera I’d take pictures of everything, everywhere. It’d be great.

          I was thinking maybe I should say a little something about myself before I end this post, so that in the future when I read this I’ll know what I think of myself at this age, 15. Another random thought, the name of this blog holds some significance. I was born in the year 2000, the millennials I think it is awesome to be born in 2000, we are not quite “new” or “old”, the #327 is a date as well… 3/27. I don’t know why I included this in this post but it is a stupid ongoing thought. Anyways, right now I am just an average boring teenage girl trying to find a way to occupy herself other than school, work, climbing and anime. At this moment in time I am working at a “restaurant” in a mall. Honestly, working is not something you want to be doing at my age. Low minimum wage, 12 hour shifts along with competitions and other commitments do not help. (¬_¬) but whatever, I chose to work. My mother says I’m a workaholic, I hope this is not true. I just hate being unoccupied, when I am, I’m restless. Speaking of restlessness, Insomnia is also a real first world problem It’s disgusting and it makes you feel like punching holes into the wall every time you want to sleep. The cause of my insomnia? I really wish I knew. I think it might be my struggling to keep my emotions in check or the stress of having to hold back my words to not offend anyone. Stress in my opinion is self-made, yet I cannot seem to destroy it once I’ve created it. This is how everyone feels at this age right, stressed and depressed? Wow, I did not conclude this post well. Let me just congratulate you from not dying of boredom.
Well have a good one fly8x11.jpg I might just make this into a tumblr-esque quotes blog. Meh