I’m Sorry, for Being a Disappointment (✿˵•́ ‸ •̀˵)

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I’m sorry, especially if this is the first post of mine you’re reading

I am stupid

I cannot live up to your expectations

I am not good enough

How?

How does one present without getting nervous?

How does one who makes up a full fucking (excuse my profanity, I probably will swear a lot on this blog. Be aware) presentation 30 minutes before and “wing it”, on the spot?

How does he do it?!

How can I be like that?

How can I improve?

I’m jealous, these people are so great at saying what they mean. They are able to make sense of their topic no matter how unprepared they are. Yet one who has a whole twenty lines memorized 100 times back and forth forgets it, in mere seconds? All of it. I hate it. I jumble up my words, get lost and I am unable to figure out the rest of it. The worst part is that I actually believed I was prepared. I put down the least amount of words on my “notes”. And end up reading it (the minimal words) as my presentation. I feel like a disappointment. “Oh yea she’ll definitely do well”, then I mess up. Humans are unfathomable. My mind is unfathomable.

This one girl even had the nerve to tell our religion teacher just how much I messed up on the previous presentation. She wasn’t asking her, why did she bring up mine! I’m so scared. I don’t want to mess up. Yet I already have, so many times! It’s funny isn’t it? The more you care the more hurt you feel when you fail. Yet the less you care, the more content you are with a bad mark! Why is it that way? Why can’t I put in lots of effort and be happy with the mark I am destined to receive, when it’s less than 85.

Why do I feel that I try hard yet afterward a wave of regret, for not trying hard enough passes over me? I will answer myself, give an easy solution to myself. Try to make an excuse, try to accept it, just like I always do. The solution to why this happened is because I didn’t try hard enough even if that was my best. I should have called in sick. Why work for 22 hours on the weekend if in turn you start to fail a course. I still want to work though. Stay committed and finish strong right?

When I was younger I  used to play chess. Defeating those who did not train hard enough. I gave up after I placed in 3rd. The same thing happened for basketball, in grade six I finally got to be the captain for a few games, I was even invited to join some minor league teams. Once again, I gave it up. This happened for a few more sports and clubs, including swimming, soccer, softball and martial arts. It’s not like I was ever the worst person in my activities, I was just never the best. I want to grow out of that habit- leaving after I lose. I also want to stop being wide eyed. I want to push past my anxieties and fears that stand in the way.

However, working your hardest simply to have your heart broken in the end also happens. Some people work so hard only to come crashing down, one mistake, one injury and your behind all over again. You have to start back from the beginning. Working hard is all you need to do? It is not true, others that get bad grades because they don’t work hard is a lie to some extent. Some people try their hardest yet people with talent can easily accomplish the same feats with little to no effort. For some areas of life trying a bit harder than everyone will not make you better. To become better you have to be able to push past any to all limitations that stand in your way. Many are unable to do so. Many in this case meaning me. I am not good enough.

I’m supposed to feel like “oh fuck I didn’t do well, next time I’ll get it ” right? Yet I said that last time. I feel like I’m getting worse. Presentations literally bring me to tears. Voicing my opinions makes me feel hated. Caring about what I believe in makes me feel like a hypocrite. And trying my hardest feels like a waste of time. I’ve already invested so much time into everything. I cannot afford to just give up. I don’t want to… But I do,n I yearn to just stop, everything.

I’m sorry… Why am I apologizing. This isn’t even the first time it happened. My apologies are so meaningless. So empty. Who am I even apologizing to? Myself? My peers? The poor teachers who have to read and watch my terrible work? Ahhhhhhhhhh, I’m sorry to the reader who read this all the way to the end. Goodnight, not that I’m going to sleep now (it is 10 pm). I have another 4 hours of lying restless in bed. (ʘᗩʘ’)/

Trying Hard, Climbing Up

climbing crI know no ones reading this but…  this is me, I’m attempting a V5. Which in rock climbing isn’t really good, but not too bad. It’s funny some children are climbing grades many adults will never achieve V14’s. I’ve only been climbing for  two years, yes it sounds like a lot but it really isn’t. I’ll say my birthday is the two year anniversary of when I first started climbing…((see first post)). My mother got me into climbing. She has been climbing for around eight years, yet I have already surpassed her climbing grade. It may be due to the fact I am about four inches taller but… Who knows. Honestly, if I had more of a drive when I was younger I would probably  be one of the top in my age category. But then again maybe I wouldn’t have been.  Maybe I should give a little description of what type of climbing I am doing. Here, I am doing a type of climbing called bouldering. It’s a type of climbing where you aren’t suspended by a rope or being pulled up by someone else. Bouldering is something… different, your free to finish the problem with any beta you can find. Even if the holds hurt, or the moves are sketchy you need to push yourself to get to the top. I love climbing and I try to work hard for it. I want to be able my climbing has amount to something someday, somehow. Although, no matter how hard I try there’s someone trying harder. I always feel inferior. In this picture I am barely holding on. I am trying, yet slipping. I did not finish the problem. I need to keep reminding myself that strength is progressive.

Oh and as I said before I have given up meat. It feels nice. It’s a weird nice though. Like a unrealized weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I still get drawn in to the smell of meat but… vegetables are amazing and bread, and all food for that matter. I actually started to use protein shakes. I drank my first one on January 9th 2016. Below is a picture of random free around the house protein shakes I am trying to drink daily.

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On a semi-unrelated topic exams are a week away. I’m stressed. I guess I can compare my climbing to school, I am trying very hard in school. Although to my dismay, like my climbing, I seem to be falling, failing, not finishing. I feel like I’ll never amount to anything. But I can’t help but keep climbing. I would continue this post but… its not good to dwell in self loathing. Also CPT’s are real. I’m going to try to end this on a nice note with a little quote from one of my world class climbing coaches “Confidence- just do whatever you do to the best of your abilities.”- Kerry

P.s photo creds to Paige who will probably never see this.